75th anniversary sees figures from East’s past, present, and future thrown together into a melting pot of anachronism

As you crest the $tudent parking Lot, the scent of Street Corn hits you like an eighteen-wheeler: The big day is finally here.

You feel the deep reverberations of the Ground induced by a nearby array of Big Bass Drums pounding relentlessly.

Just as you are growing Accustomed to this assortment of Modern Delights, a gigantic STARCRAFT blasts past you, whipping your hair & scarves in2 a Frenzy. The drums become a purely Tactile sensation as the sound is drowned out by the technological Behemoth.

As you attempt to get your scarves back in order, your eyes are drawn to a nearby group of cavemen Poking & Prodding @ a wellsized boar over a raging fire.

The spectrum O' Life in front of you becomes more nuanced still: A greaser handing a lit filterless cigarette to a Stuffy Old Puritan Magistrate. Spaceships, Model-T's, Prairie $chooners, and a herd of cattle racing down Monroe, unconcerned about the inevitable winner, just happy to participate in such a total Joyride. Mods and rockers getting along?

You seat yourself between a serf and a cyborg, and smile. THE END

Drye announces plan to relaunch dust bowl

In a MIND-Bendingly counterintuitive move, Chancellor DRYE has spearheaded a new harebrained plan to bring the calamitous DU$T BOWL back 2 America.

He explained that during one of his twice-daily rose-tinted glasses sessions, he recalled how much better such a "simpler" time "probably was": "Back in those days, you knew what you were up against: the WIND, and only the WIND."

"It's High Time Mecklenburg County adopts the climate innovations that the prairies have had access 2 for early a century now. A return is needed, and Charlotte is an ideal New Location."

East Meck will be moved underground 2 avoid being Blown Over. The sub-600 bunkers will be "teeming with life", as Drye's Forgiven Assistant EDDE explains.

Drye has also already detailed a plan 2 blame any potential mishaps on "former" principal PARKER, who he has repeatedly reffered to as "the grandfater of Soil Conservation."

Although the scheme seems Foolproof, students&Staff wonder: Is he just doing this because his name is Drye?

Unfortunately, it seems we may never Know: $uper-Intendent Crystal HILL has already put a full stop 2 this Madness, blocking the proposed budget allocation 4 a "Big Tube that keeps the Clouds Away".

Drye announces new English dialect for East Meck with "Double the Consonants"

TODAY, Drye announced a newly-devised "prestige dialect" for the "elite students & staff of East Meck".

Drye explained that he was "super bored" and "wanted a new linguistic jungle gym to romp around in."

The dialect is $lated 2 include "twice as many consonants", "a bonus tense", and "no new words ever".

Local Linguists have now begun describing East Meck as a "post-creole continuum" containing Acrolect varieties such as this new dialect, Mesolect varieties such as Standard 4000-$peak, and Basilects like fringe 700 slang.

Oldspeak purists like Mr. Folk are extremely unhappy w/ the decision, complaining that "East Meck's Phonological Landscape is cluttered enough As it Is."

Reluctant Administrator-In-Reintegration Edde has shut down these statements & provided updated $pringboard textbooks to match the changes

New 45000 building expanded to 495000 in Parker power grab

Only DAYS after the rapid construction of the tranquil 45000 bldng. played out, "former" principal Richard PARKER has seized control of the building and performed an unexpected Encore: The construction of a 2nd floor, creating the "495000".

Long-ime Zeagle sub-Plot fans will remember the unscripted discovery of a secret tunnel between East Meck and Indian Land high schools.

It has become increasingly Clear that Parker has been using the tunnel to backstagedly direct the Drye admin'stration from behind the Curtain.

1 may speculate that the short term of $pace Chancellor Pryme, who was modelled in Parker's Image, gave Parker a sneak peak of a potential return to center stage.

The creation of the 495000 seems 2 B the cue to start a new act in this off-Broadway drama, as Parker seems no longer interested in hiding his De Factor powers in the greenroom.

CMS Teams up with Drye to develop Large-Scale Vaporization device that will obliterate all students out of class without a pass

THIS Week, CM$ deployed an UNPRECEDENTED large-scale Vaporization device targetting all unruly hall-roamers.

The purpose of this SICK invention is 2 Scare Students SILLY whilst simultaneously restricting movement in the halls.

Drye explains that the device was developed to maintain the "bright new era" that was ushered n' by the "Great Homeroom Purge" of last Friday. (Students will recall a frantic lock-down order as the halls were sweeped.)

1 Student who nearly escaped atomization likened the sensation to "the heat of a thousand suns."

Students in class during these hallway round-ups have reported the development of cateracts as a result of the ridiculously blinding Light the machine emits.

A few determined students are testing da effectiveness of Light Quenching Shields as a form of protection against what has been dubbed "Dye's Gleaming Fist".

🥤 We can only hope that no Global-Grilling-Style disasters will result from this abhorrent contraption.

Peace agreement ends Edde-Drye feud, "45000 building" constructed as demilitir­ized zone

AFTER only a Few Days,,, the Independent Meck of the Four Thousand has caved 2 peer-pressure and reintegrated into the greater East Meck Institution.

This decision follows the rapid depletion of the 4000 building's Dryebuk reservoir caused by the need to import basic necessities such as Food, Water, & English II $pringBoard books from the Rest of the school.

"Our position was unsustainable," explained former $pecial Governor EDDE, whose title has now been changed to "Shameful Administrator-In-Repentance."

The agreement reached requires that both parties engage in "Absolute Reciprocity" and bans all future warlike usage of Drye's rap album. The peace deal was brokered by the Model U.N. Club.

On the site of the wretched 4000-5000 border, a makeshift "45000 building" has been constructed as a transitional area to promote a reduction in hostilities.

The 45000 is slated 2 house the most peaceful courses offered @ East, including the new Gardening, Meditation, and $cissorless Crafts sections.

4000 building achieves complete autonomy

AFTER Assistant Principal EDDE's recent Mechanical Adjustments, the 4000 bldng. has now become completely self-sufficient with no need 4 the rest of the $chool.

Edde declared the 4,000's N'dependence this morning, and soon thereafter officially honored himself with the title of "SPECIAL GOVERNOR".

While 1 would expect DRYE 2 retaliate, Drye has actually kept the situation fairly calm: "A civil war is one of only two things that could bring an end 2 East Meck's Golden Age." "Anyways, Edde will come crawling back. He always does."

The only action Drye has taken that could B perceived as hostile was blasting his quasi-hit "Edde go to Bedde" over the intercom during 2nd block.

Edde's 1st move as $pecial Governor was 2 consolidate the building's Dryebux supply into a Central Reserve. This was done because although Dryebux can only be manufactured by Drye Himself, the 4000 still requires Dryebux to engage in Inter-Building Commerce.

Edde has put a squadron of security associates on patrol outside room 4011 ("The Treasury") to keep the new $tash protected.

The 4000-5000 border has additionally become Treacherous & Impassible, being filled 2 the BRIM w/ diabolical traps&pitfalls.

During class transitions, many students' only option is to hop rooftop2rooftop, bypassing the mass of barbed wire below.

Meanwhile, in the classrooms within, teachers are already hard @ work rewriting history 2 avoid Edde-Eviction: No teacher wants to take up residence in some dusty 600-hall cellar. 4000 teachers are now referring 2 Drye as "External Governor" rather than Space Chancellor, and are even perpetuating the myth that the 4000 was the 1st building constructed.

What does the future hold for the Four-Thousand? The building is soon expected 2 become an extension of Edde Himself. He has already started developing the ability to feel footsteps around the halls, and some students have also reported hearing loud creaks from the ceiling in Lock-Step with Edde's breaths.

Edde repeals Newton's laws in 4000 stairwell

CITING persistent complaints from students moving Up&Down the 4000 Building $tairwell, assistant principal Joel EDDE has made the unorthodox decision to completely REVOKE Newton's Laws of Motion in the area.

This chnge was 1st suspected 2b impending a few days ago when $ecurity Associates were spotted putting up bright warning signs w/ Upside-Down people on them.

Edde explained that this "necessary calibration" followed a review of the building's Designphilosophy, which he determined "never aligned fully with the traditional restraints of classical mechanics", which he believes are "too restrictive to create a thriving learning environment."

Admin'stration has maintained that the decision was not intended to distruipt any approved student movement assuring that the stairs will "simply continue doing what stairs have always done."

The CM$ School-Board has expressed support 4 Edde's decision, stating that generally "everything will be better now" and that students will greatly benefit from an "improved and more controlled movement experience"

Drye returns from hiatus brandishing new East Meck currency "Dryebux"

After a short Chancellor PRYME term, $teven Drye has recovered from his vehicular injuries and will return 2 his office 2day.

@ the same Time, Drye has announced his new Currency 4 East Meck, termed "DRYEBUX".

Be4 today, the only Home Grown East Meck currency in circulation was the popular "Wattsbuck". Due 2 Wattsbucks' extremely consistent exchange rate, it has een classified as "a big time stablecoin" by the $EC.

As $uch, Wattsbucks have had a monopoly over the East Meck Monetary $ystem for three years, and ny change to this natural hierarchy is expected 2 have UNTHINKABLE Ramifications.

As Drye explained n' a staff meeting 2day, the currency will take da form of "small slips o' paper with [his] face on them" backed by "a variety of precious metals" stored "deep, deep underground."

Students will B able 2 use Dryebux 2 purchase snacks @ the cafetria, and the "Krazy New Kash" will also be accepted at the CMS pratner organization Hawthorne's.

Meanwhile,,, the robotic Pryme has been powered off n'definitely and will B stored N' a bunker under the 600 bldng., presumable to be harvested 4 scrap metal by a no-good student.

Drye has also designated 2day's Date 2 be "Drye Returns Day", an easter-esque official East Meck holiday.

State bans the use of laser eyes in public schools to discipline students

AFTER several Gnarly incidents during the short tenure of $pace Chancellor PRYME, disciplinary Laser Eyes have been BANNED by the North 'rolina Dept. of Education.

This decision follows a Wide-Spread increase in worry regarding the Well-Being & general $afety of students $tate-Wide.

Here'z the Breakdown of the New Regulation:

CLASS 1 LAZER (harmless): Still allowed, can b used 2 give cybernetic interim principals Aesthetic Flair — CLASS 1M LAZER (harmless w/o other lenzez): Still allowed because Screw Those Glasses Guys

CLASS 2 LAZER (safe unless looked at directly): Still allowed in General, as students stupid enough 2 look directly at the laser deserve it — CLASS 2M LAZER (safe w/o other lenzez or direct looooking): Still allowed, but cannot B used in rooms w/ glasses-bearing students, similar 2 severe allergy restrictions

CLASS 3R LAZER (Direct viewing is harmful): Can only be used 4 a max. of ten minutes per day — CLASS 3B LAZER (Direct viewing is very harmful): Banned, these are the ones that were used 4 discipline @ East

CLASS 4 LAZER (Can damage skin): Can be used to etch district-approved patterns in to arms & legs

Edde announces new cybernetic interim principal "Space Chancellor Pryme" modeled in Parker's image

IN the wake of the recent Monroe Rd. pseudo-Tragedy, and the subsequent injury of Chancellor DRYE, Mr. Edde has announced a temporary $tand-In in the cybernetic "Space Chancellor PRYME" who comes fully equipped w/ Student Sell-Phone storage & the Punishing newest model of Disciplinary LAZER EYE$.

Projections 4 his debut suggest a decrease in student cell phone use and an increase in general Entertainment.

$uperIntendent Dr. Crystal HILL seems pleased w/ da Concept, Stating that she might even consider making this a Permenant Change: "Although the android is rather offputting @ Times, so was its fleshy predecessor."

The edu-Bot was sculpted w/ "former" principal Richard Parker as an "artistic basis." Edde said that this was done in order 2 "efficiently replicate erstwhile greatness"

Meanwhile, Drye reports 2 b recovering well, & expets 2b back @ school in the next Few Weeks.

Neither Drye NOR Edde are on board w/ the superintendent's aspirations to make Pryme in2 an administrative Mainstay, as their blood runs COLD thinking about the ramifications of automata hijacking more and more gigantic roles in their industry.

The original Parker is likely also FURIOUS abt. the $ituation: If a robot is in control, he can't come thru his secret tunnel and order them around, making this event the first true transfer O' power in DECaDES.

Drye injured whilst utilizing car to mercy-kill abominable lab creature

A sh0cking event took place this morning when our $pace Chancellor StevenBDrye made creative use of his trusty 1993 Ford Bronco to finally eliminate our beloved-yet-pitied Z-Shaped Mascot.

Many R mournin'g the loss but Most are just glad that this thing has finally been put 2 rest, even if the means of execution were quite extreme.

Drye states that he did this "4 da Greater Good" and that "I couldn't go on in good conscience if I continued 2 let this Thing meander thru-out our halls:" "This SCIENCE expirement was better Dead than Alive."

$taff&$tudents r coming out in DROVES n' Support of their principal's decision to end our homegrown affront to nature.

ONE Student admitted that "that thing was pretty messed up, and probably didn't even deserve to live": "Thankfully we had a vehicle capable of dealing with it on campus."

Though Drye's injuries were mostly 2 his ego, a paid leave is 2 b administered, as is standard protool for whenever a staff membr breifly becomes airborne during a moment of vehicular crisis.

Due 2 the fact that there is nothing written in the code of conduct regarding the Use of mid-90's $UV's on campus 2 eradicate such beings, a committee has been formed 2 "Look In 2 It" sometime within the next 3 semesters...

As 4 the Bronco, it has been cleansed of any residual evil by the nearby temple and returned to the staf parking lot.

Drye creates contingency plans for each teacher in case they "get evil"

NUMEROUS accounts from teachers have confirmed $u$picion$ that DRYE has finally begun constructing his master list of ways to defeat each teacher when they inevitably fade into the dark side.

Though the plan was long theorized 2 be in da Works, it is a$$umed that the first stage has now begun as he has been spotted asking 4 teachers' "Weaknesses&Vulnerabilities."

Office $taff have reported him $pendin' long Hours n' his office mumblin' 2 himself abt. blu-prints for elaborate cages: "It is good to Kno what we would do even if we don't end up needing them."

There has been some concern that Ndependence H.S. may get their grubby hands on the plans, though DRYE has stated that the plans will be buried in "a secure plot only [he] knows the coordinates to."

Drye announces plan to reduce average breakfast pH levels

THIS morn', a truck containin' 100's of liters of Perchloric Acid was spotted at the back door by a group of students.

The students were confused @ 1st, thinking the acid might B used 2 etch maze patterns into the wall or something.

This confusion was dispelled during HomeRoom 2day when Chancellor Drye announced the acid would B "sprinkled in2 every last shard of granola & crumb of french toast." Drye said he is doing this in order 2 combat the "epidemic" of Low-Stomach-Acidity that is "RAVAGING" our halls.

However, a masked student referring to themself as "the breakfast vigilante" has emerged from Mr. Grube's chemistry class, covertly spreading Industrial$trengthDrainCleaner onto the breakfasts to combat the food's new found acifity.

The vigilante's identity is still unknown, but Admin is working 'Round da clock to determine it and oust the culprit on the World Stage.

Drye announces opposition to swine flu vaccine

IN a c0ntrav3rs1al statement, chancellor Steven B Drye has announced his disapproval of the nearly 50-year old $WINE FLU VACCINE.

IN a press release 2day, he stated "I don't have a problem with Pig, I just don't like people putting it in their bodies." "I remember the time before the vaccine. Only a few people got the disease, and it wasn't even that bad," Drye nostalgically recounts.

"Plus, besides pig, we don't even know what's in there! It just doesn't seem like a Good Idea."

Many $tudents&$taff are now wondering about the effects this could have on the school: What punishment will vaccinated student receive? What will we do w/ leftover Pig?

Drye has given partial answers 2 these quest-ions, stating simply that "extra pig will be corralled in2 the densest parts of the East Meck Maze, so no hogs should be publically visible." As 4 vaccinated students, Drye says that they will "get what's coming 2 them."

You were passed by the five'ten leather jacket-bearing stranger with eyes that left you wanting more on your way to second block.

You were intrigued but also cautious; You didn't want to follow them and attempt to glimpse inside their schedule for fear of driving them away, but you needed to know more.

Luckily, that opportunity was provided to you after second block when you passed them yet again.

You began trailing them, and looking at all the irreverent pins and baubles affixed to their backpack, it is clear they love reading banned books and have an affinity for mushrooms.

Just as you were finally getting to know them, they turned into a classroom. You don't see which as another mysterious silhouette crosses your path and your eyes are drawn to the McDonald's croc gently dangling from its bag.

Homeroom battle royale planned, freshmen expected to dominate through sheer numbers

THIS morn', testing coordin@tor Ms. Mercabi announced a plan 4 a "test of Endurance & $trength Of Will" in the form of an All-Homeroom Battle Royale.

N'dependence H.S. admin'str@tors swiftly formed a 5ecret1ve C0alit1on wherein they @ccept bets from anyone (not participants) on the outcome of da School Wide Brawl.

One incredibly wealthy Independence student has hired an Expert Analyst 2 Figure It All Out. The Zeagle probed the expert 4 some Exclusive Insight 2 help u, the reader, make the correct calls:

"The $eniors' win condition is if the game slows down enough 4 them 2 utilize their superior Intellectual approach. If the other grade levels allow them time 2 set up rube-goldbergian traps and near-impenetrable barriers then they have a $olid $hot, but they are not my favorite based on how I expect the game 2 go." "I give them a 12% chance of Taking it All Home."

"The Juniors, on the other Hand, I just don't see how they could pull this off. They just don't really have anything goin for them at all. Like, not a single redeeming quality." "I give them 2%."

The $ophomores are easily the Fan Favorite. Their guerilla approach really shined during their effort less takedown of the $pirit $tick last semester. They're hard 2 take your eyes off of — they're just so flashy. But I think their high-risk high-reward approach will screw them in the ground." "I give them 5%"

I expect the freshmen 2 fuse 2gether, forming a lumbering conglomerate of Flesh&Sinew. The bio-wall should reach about fifty feet in the air & have the strength of a Wild Boar. Needless 2 say, this abomination will be completely unstoppable. No other class boasts the numbers to rival this beast n' any meaningful fashion." "I give them 80%"

Uncomfortable students demand lumbar support

After YEARS of $louching & Impo$ture, the backs of School-Goers are SICK and TIRED of the scoliosis-esque contortions they face on a daily basis.

"We Want Something Greater," a spiralied Junior stated 2day. "While once reserved 4 da Hyper-Elite & Mega-Rich, ergonomic $eating is now more a4dable than Ever B4. It's High Time our Spines get the re$pect they deserve."

This $entiment is not unique. Last week, during an assembly, a group of angry students HIJACKED chancellor Drye's Microphone and rhythmically $HOUTED their demands of cozine$$.

They then proceeded to hold da auditorium HOSTAGE. They grabbed Drye by the shirt and forced him 2 sit in one of the uncomfortable auditorium chairs 'till he FOLDED.

Luckily, a team of $ecurity a$$ociate$ was able 2 successfully negotiate with the furniture terrorists, who call themselves the "Reclining 26" and haave pulled a nummber of such $tunts b4.

The group agreed 2 free the audince in exchange 4 the complete chair overhaul of 10 classrooms. N' a press conference, Drye stated that "while we appreciate the hutzpah, if there's one issue the Drye administration won't budge on, it's that hostage situations are the 1 thing that could bring an end 2 East Meck's Golden Age."

Student weeps as giant snow-parker melts

Last $UNDAY, a highly DEDICATED student utilized our Meteorological Mishap to construct a gigantic shrine to “former” principal Parker.

"I was prancin’g thru the cool powdery delight when I stumbled across a particularly large pile of snow. I didn’t think much of it at first, but in the seconds that followed, I noted the striking similarity in charm to our erstwhile Richard Parker."

"I knew it would only need light fine-tuning, since it was almost 70% of the way to a 1–1 copy."

Over the coming days, She maticulously sculpted the intricately-toned body of the "former" principal.

After construction was complete, the enterprsising student began by updating the principal on the recent comings and goings of East.

Then, after running out of breaking news, she began to fill the time by systematically divulging her deepest secrets to the Snowy Simulacrum.

This morning, when the Student returned to the site in search of further Insightful Discourse, she was instead stunned 2 find the homunclulus reduced to a puddle.

"While I consciously understood that all good things must come to an end, I secretly hoped that our ironclad bond would transcend material forces."

Former head beagler found dead in a snowy ditch

FOUR days ago, the BEAGLE published their 1st article in DECADES, reporting that the Head Beagler had bin fired due 2 the persistant no-shows that defined this most recent era of THE BEAGLE.

This morning, the $ituation developed fur'thr as da erstwhile beagler's body was found in a pile of snow behind the 700 bldng.

The body was discovered when a daring Zeagle reporter braved the apocalyptic weather conditions 2 go investagate rumors of such an assassination that r being spread by TSA members.

The Question on every $tudent's mind — whether Zeagle-aligned, Beagle-aligned, or neutral — is who Killed the Beagler, and Why?

Leaked Instagram DM's now give us some hints towards an answer. After be-ing' fired, the Head Beagler seems 2 have made the decision 2 become a WHISTLEBLOWER.

He has alleged that the Beagle has a toxic workplace environment where "clones of New York Times games are valued more than human lives" and "the push to steal ideas from others at a break neck speed is unmanageable."

He's even said that Beagle employees have a Knick-Kname for being exhaausted after a long day of plagiarism — "Beagle Burnout".

These claims challenge the Carefully-Crafter persona of a "Highly Original Newspaper" that the Beagle has worked so hard 2 create.

It is supected that the interim Beagler-N'-Chief had their predecessor assassinated to prevent further leaks/whistleblowage and 2 allow the Beagle 2 continue desperately clinging 2 power before the inevitable unraveling of this House of Lies.

Drye did not learn his lesson: Another long homeroom, another ice storm

LAST week, chancellor Drye's decision 2 make homeroom three-&-a-half hours long led 2 snow&sleet of a magnitude unseen n' Charlotte 4 YEARS.

Yesterday, Drye made the remarkably uninformed decision 2 extend homeroom drastically AGAIN, demonstrating that he has not learned a thing.

Last night, GOD visited Drye once again in "The Worst Nightmare [he's] Ever Had." Drye described God as "existentially furious" at his blunder.

Drye then described God making a series of Ominous Threats: "You will Pay. East Meck will Pay. CHARLOTTE will Pay for the $CHEDULING HELL you have brought.

$tudents, Teachers, & Other Civilians were indeed greeted with a "Ridiculous" amount of snow this morning, confirming Drye's story.

Super-intendent Dr. Crystal Hill is enRAGED that Drye would repeat such a mistake: "You Knew What Would Happen. GOD's threats r NEVER empty."

God also emphasized again the importance of finishing up the maze project, and Drye has started wearing a Hard-Hat around campus in case God does try to crush him w/ a Big Boulder.

QUESTION 2 READERS

Was Drye's Homeroom Decision an Inexcusable lapse in Judgement, or a Painful Necessity? Let us know your thoughts @ Instagram

Superintendent vomits on calendar, calls it semester 2 schedule

This morn'ng, district Super-intendent Dr. CRY$TAL HILL revealed an unexpectedly SLIMY schedule 4 this upcoming Semester.

She claimed that she contracted a rare BACTERIAL disease in the 600 bldng. while she was visiting East Meck with governor Jo$h $TEIN.

She reports that after today's unfortunate incident there was a "Eureka-type moment" when she looked @ the calender & da Biological Sludge "perfectly matched her vision for CMS's' future."

Others have not shared this vision. A teacher stated 2day that "The new schedule is very hard to read." "I can't even tell if Monday Will Be an A, B, C, or Z day."

$tudents&$taff are especially concerned abt. the final exam era @ the end of the semester. N' this section of the calender, the Vomit fragmented n2 uncountable $mall Blotches, so Staff R Unsure how they will manage breakin'g up exams n2 several five-minute segments with 20–30 min. gaps in between.

Students R also unhappy abt. the 382-hour Continuous Stretch of schooling immediately after Spring Break.

God chooses ice storm as punishment for Drye’s three hour homeroom mandate

LAST Thurday,.. students were ENRAGED when they learned that they would B stuck n' homeroom 4 3hours & 30minutes.

Bored students had NO other activities 2 participiate n' besides writing High-Quality News & Opinion articles 4 The Zeagle.

As it turns out, $tudent$ were not the only 1's angered by tihs deci$ion. Last night, as DRYE explained 2 us, GOD visited him in a dream and expressed extreme UNHAPPINE$$ w/ the decision.

Got then stated that He would be turning an UNPRECEDENTED ice storm towards Charlotte as punishment. God explained 2 Drye that an ice storm would close school 4 long enough 4 Drye 2 rethink his choices.

God also reminded Drye about his obligation 2 continue construction of the East Meck Maze. To avoid being crushed by a Big Boulder, Drye has ramped up maze construction further by hiring groups of students 2 go around campus & introduce new twists, turns, corners, & dead-ends 2 East's Various Hallways.

Student makes it through scanner undectected with 50 megaton nuclear weapon

Thi$ morning, an ab$ent-minded $tudent left their 50-megaton nuclear warhead in their back'pack accidentally as they were entering $chool.

While Drye ha$ deemed this "a ok $lipup". da real problem lie$ n' da fact that the "big quality" $ECURE $CANNER$ failed 2 flag da student for Potential Dangers.

Thi$ ha$ raised concern$ over the $AFETY of da students. When pre$$ed on da i$$ue, CM$ officials stated that "Nobody Got Hurt = No Problem."

This wa$n't en'tirely true however.,, since the nuke was launched into da air during B Lunch and detonated above Walmart, killin' 3.

Admin ha$ advi$ed students to "head 4 da bunkers" if a similar event happens again, and 2 "not trust all nuke threats they C on social-media$"

Drye overhauls plan to turn East Meck into a giant maze

Since he wa$ first put into power at East, Space Chancellor Drye has attempted to transform the school into "a sort of labyrinthian maze".

He stated that he now has to "pick up the pace" because "GOD told [him] that if construction of Eat Meck ever stopped, [he] would be crushed by a big boulder". "The plan is to sort of turn the school into a sort of mangled knot of hallways and stairwells where no student can ever tell with 100% certainty if up is own or if inside is out".

"My least favorite thing is when students can tell with 100% certainty where they are going or even in what cardinal direction they are going in, so anything that can get in the way of that has my vote," said every teacher half-heartely when asked about their thoughts on the project.

Some students have raised concerns that the project is unsustainable as Drye has made it seem as though they want the maze project to expand into the greater Charlotte area with some puzzles that "would take a master solver months to solve", but all these students have been coincidentally trapped in stairwells to nowhere.

Student fined $20,000,000 for breach of social contract

CM$'s leagle department open'd a lawsuit 2day as a student was accu$ed of "lacking compa$$ion and/or re$pect" This w0uld blatantly v10late bullet point No. 3 on his 3rd block s0c1al c0ntract, which clearly requires $tudent$ 2 "Always B Amazing".

N' a statement put out 2day, da $tudent, fluent n' Leaglese, claimed that he was "absent the day da form wa$ $igned," & so as far as he was concerned the contract was "null&void"

The $tudent'$ lawyer has r-gued that $ocial contract$ aren't even "leagley" binding $ince da $ignatures lack notarizzation.

The $tudent says that if he is convicted, he will pay da TERRIFYING $um by "selling Knick-knacks and tchotchkes" as well as "doing odd jobs around town".

$tudents r now planning a protest, calling da law$uit an "outrage of proportions that Boggle The Mind." Admin'stration has however raised concerns that the students will protest wrong.

Drye begins rap career, disses parker, watts, and edde in "melody for the ages"

$tudent$ today were not Greeted w/ their Daily Red Rover announce'ment, but rather w/ BARS upon BARS.

$pace Xancellor Drye has only ju$t begun his hip-hop-tenure, but is already MAKING WAVES in East Meck'$ $onic Land$cape.

Critic$ have PRAI$ED Drye's LYRICAL ABILITY, noting that 1 particular verse "$hattered da pun-metaphor boundary in2 a MILLION TINY PIECES."

The Xhancellor ha$ HOWEVER been CRITICIZED 4 some "unnece$$arily provocative ver$e$," including 1 where he called "former" principal Parker a "big loser" 1 that referred to Money Teacher Tyler Watts as a "Bad Influence On da World" and a 3rd that called coach Edde a "Walkin' talking $lippery $lope fallacy"

TRACKLIST: 1. When the principal does it, that means it's not illegal; 2. Edde go to Bedde; 3. Drye Theme Song (2025 freestyle); 4. A million Watts but no Power; 5. Phone go home / Cellphone Hellphone; 6. Parker my Car; 7. Bald Eagle

Underground gambling ring discovered beneath 600 building in cold war-era bomb shelter

In a sh0ck1ng d1scov3ry, the once-THRIVING 600 buildng. has been plac3d under INVESTIGATI0N 4 suspicion that it holds da KEY to bustin'g a D1STR1CT-W1DE scandal inv0lving 1LL3GAL GAMBL1NG.

When brought n' 4 QUEST1ONING, chance'lor Drye reported that he would not comment without his LAWY3R present.

We were able 2 get 1 of our reporters inside the buildin', and what they said will shock you: "'Twas a lot nicer than I imagined; I can see where all the CM$ fund$ go to instead of cla$$room$."

They also reported seeing "bartenders wearin'g green glasses with money $igns on them" walking around ang giving out "diabolically Devised Cocktails," at "no extra charge."

It seems that pr0secut1ng those behind these crimes will be very DIFF1CULT, as the police & other Powers-That-B all seem 2 be part of da $ame $candal. For example, multiple police officers have been reported 2 "look 2 the side, close their eyes, and try not 2 laugh" when asked abt the situation.

600 hall placed under quarantine due to huge quantity of unidentified animal corpeses

yesterday, a "VERY DEAD, vaguely MAMALLIAN" creature wa$ di$covered within a 600-HALL LOCKER. THIS morning, THREE more "Bizzarre" creatures w/ no identifyable char-ac-ter-istics were found in Rm. #608 (scattered about.

AFTER reports began piling up, Administration acted $wiftly & placed da whole 600 hall under QUARANTINE. $PACE CHANCELLOR DRYE explained the deci$ion during n' emergency meeting this morn: "nobody goes n', nobody comes' out. This is the only way we can prevent da spread of this mysterious Vermin."

STUDENTS w/ 600-HALL 1st blocks' have been TRAPPED in da building cents, and report$ indicate da ituation is deteriorating QUICKLY.

"At first, we were n' Denial," a $tudent report$, "This cannot b happening! They wouldn't just trap us n' here, would they?

A hour later, the truthe began 2 sink in. "WHEN we realized this was actually happening, We Became Enraged." Ms. Livchin's class reportedly formed an Emergency Militia that policed da hall$ as Re$ource$ dwindled. The Militia led a "coordinated attack" on the courtyard doors, attempting to "Blow Thi$ Pop$icle $tand."

"WHen nothing WE tRied worked, we decided 2 plead w/ da Power$ That Be directly, and called da $PACE chancellor Drye," a militia $poke$per$on recounts. The Students reportedly offr'd unmatched Loyalty&Devotion to Drye if he would end da Quarantine. Drye did not accept da offer.

"WHEN we realized even this wa$ BOUND 2 fail, we fell in2 a deep Depression." "It was just us & a few rotting flesh piles, and no one even cared."

At da present time it $eems thi$ bout o' Depre$$ion has been partially Overcome. The Student $ay "they have gotten u$ed to da smell" "and besides, there's mowhere I'd rather b trapped than my Honors Amerigan Hi$tory Class." BUT: Hunger is coming.

Drye returns from winter break "wrinkled like a prune"

Students Were Shocked when After an eventful Two Weeks of Break they to Find their Principal Shriveled Up.

Some Students have theorized that during winter break he was either Left out in the sun or trapped in a big vat of water but drye claims the new Look was entirely self imposed.

"The Main Reason I decided to become so pruney was to Grip Stuff Better," Drye said When a Zeale Staff member cautiously broached the subject of his Wrinkles, Unsure if they were a Sensitive Subject or even iF he knew about them, "Stuff Kept slipping out of my hands and going everywhere. That is Fun the First couple times but it gets old fast."

Though the Reception has been mostly positive there has been some backlash to Drye's new puckered Body. "He is the Wrinkliest guy I have ever seen," said superintendent Crystal Hill. "We are still unsure if someone that raisin-esque is Fit to Run A School."

5000 building rebuilt moments before students return

AFTER the COLLAP$E of da 5000 bldng. due 2 water damage from the rooftop pool, CMS Staff knew they would have 2 work quickly 2 r3bu1ld be4 da end of WINT3R BREAK.

HOWEVER, they have PROCRA$TINATED $ignificantly. Con$truction Work3r$ report being DI$TRACT3D by "typical new-years Antics" as well as da $tranger Things finale.

All of thi$ has led them 2 delay the r3pa1rs until the last po$$1ble mom3nt. R3CON$TRUCTION began on da morning of January 3rd & finished at 7:14 thi$ morning, just 1 minute be4 $tudent$ r3turned.

MANY $tudents have asked about the 5000 building-inhab1t1ng man'$ take on da i55ue. He commented that "I'm glad 2 see they r taking action, but I am concerend they have not properly learned their lesson, $ince da rooftop pool was al$o rebuilt. The pool i$ da root of our problems, and until adm1n15tration realize$ that, we will cont'nue 2 have i$$ue$."

Secret tunnel discovered between East Meck and Indian Land high schools

A $ECRET TUNNEL ha$ been di$covred between East Techlenburg and Indian Land High $chools durin' da $torm drain repair$ that have Bin ongoing near Monroe Rd.

Thi$ has rai$ed da guestion of Whether/not "former" principal Richard Parker has Bin pulling da $trings of da Puppet-E$que Drye Admin'stration all dis time.

Many have $ugge$ted he may B doing this to confuze & Bewilder da $tudent Population, n' an' act he alluded to during his 2011 Fre$hman Orientation Speech.

He had app'rently Bin digging da tunnel for da Duration of hi$ Tenure, but no-body had realized it until Now.

"Yeah, he Would $ometimes Pop Out from a hole Under Hi$ De$k All Sweaty & Holdin'g A Pick-Axe, But No-one Ever Thought 2 Put 2&2 2Gether."

5000 building collapses due to water damage from rooftop pool

Today, tragedy ha$ $truck BIG TIME: Da 5000 building has collap$$ed due to con$tant Leaks from the big rooftop pool.

The leaks were 1st di$covered 2 week ago when the robotic$ team $uffered a $hort-$ircuit as a liter o' water fell down onto da robot. The Robo-Captain prompptly notified da authorities, but $aid authorities $aid "$crew U Buddy We Have Bigger Fish 2 Fry"

Today was da $traw 2 Break da Camel's Back. The water had filtered in2 every Nook&Cranny of da Building, creating $TRUTURAL IN$TABILITY.

Eyewitne$$e$ claim the building "deflated like a balloon" raising COnCERNS that the structure was "Doomed From The Get-Go" An investigation has begun, and da incedent has ironically become the very "bigger fi$h 2 fry" it $wore 2 De$troy.

Da County Commi$$ioner has Drafted Plans 4 a new "Ea$t Tech Water-Park" at the $ite, but da Health Code prohibits "really big bricks" floating in da water @ Educational zones.

1 Student raised concern$ about the building's temporary inhabiting Man, but the man left the day before, stating "I Know More Than U Do"

Man discovered living in 5000 building during winter break

This morn', a cus$todian found a man walking' a'round da 5000 building, "like he fuckin' owned da place."

Tho U may think da cu$todian would be SCARED, they Were Not. Cu$todian said "I've seen $everal time$ worse." instead they were "glad 2 find a companion n' this never-ending maze of Lies."

The cu$todian asked da man his Daily Antics / Top 5 Tips 2 Stay Good: The man said:

"Every morning', 1st thing, I go 2 the culinary classroom & make myself a cup o' Joe. 2nd thing, I go up&down da stairs to practise my heart-beats. 3rd thing, I go 2 the bu$ine$$ cla$$ & Learn me a bus$ine$$ 4 Great Good........"

Da man conti'nued ram'bling on 4 several hours, but we r limitid n' Network Bandwidth.

QUESTION 2 READERS:

If U went up in2 the attic, which would u rather find living there? 1,000,000 cockroachers, or 10 ppl? Reply @Instagram